10, 9, 8, 7...
It was bitter sweet to be sitting in a New Years Eve service still breathing as the year went from 2013 to 2014. As soon as the clock struck midnight, my mind was filled with thoughts and messages from God. I began to reflect on who I am and I decided: No more lying to myself. No more secrets. It’s so easy to pretend that everything is ok. But the absolute truth is that I have secrets. Am I bold enough to expose them? Why would I expose them? The answer is, exposing them is the first step towards MY moving forward. Your secrets don’t free you. Your secrets don’t heal you. Your secrets keep you in a place of darkness and stagnation. So, I decided to let the world know my secrets. I HAVE to share them so that
1. They no longer have power over me
2. Others may have an opportunity to relate in areas where they thought they were alone
3. I can begin to allow God to heal me
So, here’s to change in 2014! 25 of my biggest secrets…
1. I wish I had a better relationship with my father but at this point in my life, I’m past the point where I want to keep trying
2. I like to watch ratchet T.V. and then act like I don’t. I really like the show Love & Hip hop New York. It’s just enough mixture of drama and love. AND it gives me good writing topics. And…I just like it
3. I curse a lot when I’m alone.
4. And because I shared #3, I have to admit that I talk to myself when I’m alone….out loud.
5. There are only 2 people on earth that I feel comfortable being 100% me with and God is the ONLY one that sees it all.
6. I can be really really lazy.
7. I’d rather have my free time then spend my time on obligations
8. Most of the time, “church stuff” feels like an obligation
9. I want to be closer to my mentor but I’m not always certain she likes me (and that has a lot more to do with me than her)
10. I really want tattoos and an eyebrow ring
11. When someone tells me something negative about how they feel about me, I remember it…for life.
12. I can’t stand inconsistent people…but I’m often really inconsistent
13. When I’m around people that talk bad about other people, I assume they talk bad about me when I’m not around them
14. 98% of the time, when I see people I know, I won’t say anything because I don’t feel like dealing with the awkward moment that occurs if they don’t remember me. lol..hahaha I’m crazy.
15. I love keeping people at a distance but I long for deep and close relationships/friendships
16. I have a constant battle within me to stop comparing myself to others
17. I work so hard at work mainly because I want to make my parents proud. And I never really feel like it’s enough
18. I’m really moody. I think so much that my thoughts can take me from joyous to devastated within minutes
19. I have this image in my mind of the image that others have of me. It could be totally false. But I believe it.
20. I feel like there is something really wrong within my body but I’m too impatient, scared and stubborn to really get it seen about
21. I don’t want to be a First Lady of a church.
22. I make a lot of excuses when I’m afraid or lazy
23. I can be really greedy when it comes to food.
24. I have an image of what the woman that I want to be looks like…and I don’t think I match that image
25. 78% of the time I have a lot to say…but I don’t say it because I fear judgement from others and/or failure
Whew. If you’re reading this, that means I really went through with posting this to the world. Which is great, because I’ve made the step towards working with God to change me. Some of them are silly and I’m sure will never change, and others…HAVE to change if I want to be successful in life!
What are your secrets? You don’t have to post them to the world as I’ve done, but without acknowledging that they’re true, you’ll always be living with them. You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge is broken!