Recently, I began reading a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Muze and it led me to reflect on my journey through pregnancy; which in turn led me to assess where I am now versus where I was just a few months ago. A few months ago, I was extremely distraught about being pregnant.I didn’t have much to complain about; but I wasn’t very happy with God and the process in which he created for children to come into this world. [Don’t look at me crazy, this is how I felt.] I only openly admitted these thoughts to a few people but when I did, I was very emotional. I wasn’t pleased that my life was changing,I wasn’t happy that I would soon be getting little to no sleep during the night and I wasn’t happy that all of this was happening out of my control. I felt that I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. I wasn’t ready to give up my selfishness and the freedom to go and do what I wanted when I wanted. In my mind, marriage was as much restriction as I could handle at the moment. Checking in with my husband and having to consider his feelings and our bank account was as much sacrifice as I was willing to give up in the moment.
I would see all of these women around me that were expecting and they would appear to be so excited about their little one on the way. Many of them were so obsessed with the idea of a new child that they completely neglected talking about anything but their pregnancy process. I didn’t want to be like those women; in fact, I made it my mission NOT to be like those women. In months 4-6,I wasn’t taking a lot of pregnancy bump pictures or documenting milestones. I wasn’t entering into the “when are you due?” conversations or indulging in the opportunity to hear birth stories. I was so concerned about losing myself, that I intentionally did everything that I could NOT to lose myself in this process. And ironically, while trying so hard not to…that’s exactly what I did.
I’ve never been one to embrace transitions well, like…ever. I spent two extra weeks in my mothers womb and then took 12 hours to come out. When my first brother was born, I told my parents that he needed to stay in the hospital because that was his home. And even now,at 26, I’m still throwing tantrums about the necessary and uncontrollable transitions. With that being said, though I know that every new transition comes with new responsibility and challenge; it also comes with an ability to maintain and excel through it. A few months ago, I forgot that part. I had become so consumed with what I didn’t want, that I forgot to contemplate and embrace the reasons why I may be where I am in life. I’m 26, living with my amazing husband of 2 years and a beautiful baby girl in my womb. I never stopped to consider why. And frankly, at 9 months, I’m wondering if the ‘why’ matters.
About a month ago, we began taking a series of childbirth classes. By the end of the first one, I was scared to give birth, nervous about my ability to be a good mother and upset with God about the birthing process. By the end of the second class, my husband urged me to talk with our teacher about my stress and concern. After much hesitation, I told her how I was feeling (mostly because he wouldn’t leave me alone about it). She expressed that she understood my fear and immediately began to encourage me and declare my ability to handle every new thing in front of me. She told me to let it go and give it go God because ultimately, He is in control of everything. Then she prayed a heartfelt prayer for us that surprisingly gave me an abundance of peace. Her confidence in God and his assignment for me was enough to wipe my stress and fear away. Before leaving, She suggested that I read Supernatural Childbirth, testifying that it had changed her life. A month later, my pastor taught about Adam and Eve and the curse that had been given to them in the garden of Eden. He explained that some of us needed our minds reset and as I reflected, I agreed with him.
Now, at 9 months, I can say that my heart and mind have changed from where I was a few months ago. I am learning to embrace the new role that I will be accepting once this baby is in my arms. I am learning how to maintain the balance of resting my body and planning for my baby while also catering to my own desires and needs. I’m learning that in this transition, God has already equipped me with a body that knows exactly what to do when she gets into position. I have His strength and a promise in the word of God that the curse in Eden was paid when Jesus died on the cross. I have the weapon of prayer and an amazing husband that will be by my side every moment that God allows. I have realized (with the help of God and friends) that my life does not have to look like the lives of some of the women I know. There is nothing wrong with being completely enthralled by ones children and dedicating your life to them; however, I know that I want to find a healthy balance. I want to be a great mother and wife all while pursuing my own dreams and goals. The way that God designed for a baby to come into this world is beautiful. After learning what my body is designed to do from my womb expanding to the breast milk that will begin to produce when the baby is born; I am convinced that God is the ultimate genius and I’m excited about experiencing that further. At 9 months, my mind has shifted from feeling like a victim to realizing the beauty in transition. There is beauty in moving forward. There is beauty in new life and there is even beauty in shifting and adjusting ones life to accept and maintain the blessings that God gives us. With a strong mindset shift, I’m learning to embrace and not despise my current life and situations.
God promised me that He would take me on a journey through this pregnancy, and I can honestly say that at 9 months and counting…he has done just that.