You Chose Your Man.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I have a good man. Every time he smiles at me or serves me. Every time he opens my door or calls me sweetie the world around me erupts in cheer and accolades as if I’ve just won the golden ticket to the chocolate factory.

People are sure to remind me that I’m blessed and lucky to have such a good husband. He loves me, is easy-going, and respects me blah blah blah. Which is true. He’s amazing. But one thing that I just keep thinking is that every woman has the opportunity to have that. And please wait before you jump on me and slap the “there are no good men left” stigma in my face. I meet women that complain about their men or compare theirs to mine and it’s increasingly frustrating. If anyone knows my story, they know that I am one of the LEAST deserving of a good man yet I have one. Because I chose to have one. You can’t choose to settle for what’s in front of you simply because you really want to be wedded and then get upset that you don’t have a “good” man. My mom brags on my husband all the time, which I’m grateful for. But just like any other human, he has his flaws. Flaws that irritate the hell out of me sometimes. And I’m ok with those flaws. I can live with them. He doesn’t disrespect me or treat me any less than a queen. He helps with the baby and around the house when I need him to. He’s also insanely nonchalant about planning and leaves it to me to do 90% of the thinking for our household. He could stay inside and watch superhero movies all day and when he cooks, he leaves it all in the kitchen to soak….for days. And while these things drive me crazy, they are things I’m willing to live with because he’s 100% amazing; flaws and all.
You have the ability to choose what your deal breakers are. And if for some reason, you decided that everything is a deal breaker,than you choose to wait until that man comes that will fulfill all of the requirements on your list. On the other hand, if nothing is a deal breaker, than you have chosen to settle with a man who has no accountability or standards to reach. Then there are those of us that are in the middle, patiently waiting for a man who will meet our standards while also being willing to compromise. It’s often easy to waver in that place. It’s easy to decide to settle on the non negotiable’s just so that you won’t be alone anymore. However, choosing to settle is also choosing to accept a life with someone who may or may not leave you feeling miserable in a few months, or years.
One Sunday, X (short for Xavier,who is my husband) and I were preparing to leave for church. I was standing about 20 feet away from where we parked. X got in the car, backed out and backed up to where I was standing. A friend of ours made a comment about him being ahead of his time because had it been him, he would have just waited for me to walk to the car. In that moment I was proud to have a man who did a simple thing like drive to pick me up; even if it was just 20 ft. In college, I had the epiphany that one of the reasons why men get the pass to cheat, be lazy, relinquish all responsibilities to women etc, is because we give them the “OK”. We say “well he’s a man, so he’s going to do….” While I was pregnant, a friend told me that my husband wouldn’t wake up with the baby because that was my job. The hell? Did he not make the baby with me? Matter fact, he’s the reason the baby was created. Why would it just be MY responsibility to take care of her?? People say I’m lucky because he helps me. No. I’m not lucky because he helps me. I chose a man that loves me and has a good heart. A man that wants to be involved with his family. A man that wants to be a good father and a good example to his family and children.
Sometimes us women have the habit of choosing men we think we want and then we compare. Or we get upset that our man isn’t doing xyz. You chose him! No matter the circumstance, you made a choice to be with him. Granted, I understand there are cultures where marriages are fixed, and circumstances where you choose to be with a man for various financial and security reasons. But (and this may sound harsh) you made a choice and you can’t blame others for it.
Most us of us have had the ability to choose the hardworking, caring man that has a God fearing love within him. But we don’t choose those guys. Hell, I almost didn’t choose mine. Sometimes they don’t come with the shiny new job. Or the “cool factor”. Sometimes they aren’t the bad boys. Sometimes they are the virgins. The ones we reject because we don’t like their style. The list can go on forever. Either way. We make choices. And those choices determine what life looks like.
So. Stop telling me I’m lucky to have a good man. I’m blessed that he found me and I’m glad that I chose him.
plane ride

123 thoughts on “You Chose Your Man.

  1. That is so true. I have upped my standards and God has brought me a good man.

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    1. I definitely agree that we have a choice. Having others admire you can lead therm to aspire for better. Sometimes it is one self esteem that holds them captive makes them feel undeserving and unworthy. When God allows them to see a woman He has guided to a place of knowing they take notice. You are an inspiration. Some women have never seen an example of a good man. So they would taken a back. Continue to be a walking billboard of encouragement. Whether you know it or not, that’s what you are.

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  2. Thanks, girl! Note taken ✔️

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  3. I can’t co-sign this enough.

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  4. You said a mouthful! Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Girl!!! I am Completely here for this entire piece!! Love It!! Truth at it’s best!

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  6. Very true statement many men may walk your way but you choose who you decide to commit or start a relationship with. Very well said! Point noted

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  7. I loved every bit of this article. I just had a woman tell me that I’m lucky that my husband come straight home from work every night, and I corrected her immediately. I chose a man that had the same standards that I give out and expect back In returned

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    1. Question for you Devon. Why didn’t you receive the statement as a compliment towards your man?

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      1. I love this aryicle though I don’t get the “strong” response to someone saying you are lucky or blessed. I see that as a compliment (to your spouse and to your union) and one’s ability to recognize a good thing, a good trait, a desired thing, a desired trait, etc. Sometimes people don’t choose the best words/descriptors to express what they mean but they mean well nonetheless.

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      2. Exactly they are complements

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    2. !!!!! Listen!

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  8. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have really loved
    browsing your blog posts. In any case I will
    be subscribing on your feed and I am hoping you write once
    more very soon!

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  9. truly said… your man should be of your dreams..

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  10. THANK YOU for speaking what I have wanted to say but for putting it so much more eloquently & politically correct!!!

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  11. I love when I go on a girls night out and the girls say, “Oh, you got Larry to babysit the kids?” What?? They’re his kids, too! He’s not babysitting! He’s being a father! Standards people! We all have them…don’t put them aside because your potential life partner has 5 of the 10 things you’re looking for. Never settle. Life is too short…especially, if you plan on having children with this person. Ifie hit the nail right on the head.

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  12. I am so glad I bumped into this, so true 100% 🙂

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  13. Couldn’t be said any better.thumbs up gal

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  14. Very good read, and life changing.

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  15. I love this and am sharing! You are simply stating the truth. It is definitely about what some women allow and settle for….

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  16. That is definitely true! Amen at your last sentence 🙂

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  17. This is great!

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  18. So true.
    You got the words right out of my lips……

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  19. Nicely put! Thank you!

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  20. PREACH!! People ask me all the time about the “secret” to a healthy marriage. I always say start with acknowledging who your mate is as an individual before you get married and proceed accordingly. Don’t ignore those red flags, things you don’t like and mediocre behavior. You knew before you got married that he didn’t wash your car. Don’t complain now lol.

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  21. I read this article and I am one is those women who refuse to settle for less. This article confirms that I’m doing the right thing in waiting for the right mate. Too many women settle for whatever is in front of them instead of wanting more than what is in front of them. The key word is CHOOSE. We have a choice in what we want in a man, and after the numerous zeroes I’ve encountered in my life, I refuse to settle for less than zero. Thank you for writing this article!

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  22. I love you for this! I am single with no kids because I chose to wait for God’s versus settling and becoming a “married single woman” (she has the ring, and marriage license, but that’s about it…she still feels single). Thanks for sharing!

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    1. My husband does all this and more. And I appreciate him and God blessing me with a husband as awesome as he is. I also get people telling me how lucky I am and how they wish they had a husband like mines. I also almost let my husband get away playing hard to get. I tell them well you can’t have mines but there are plenty more men out there that’s just as amazing. Pray to God for a blessing husband and be patient.

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  23. I can totally understand as I married an awesome guy. I also get the same responses that people have given you.

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  24. Ok you keep saying “you choose him” which had me lost, until the last sentence. Blessings to you and X, it’s good dudes out there.

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  25. Such an amazing word to share with ladies! Blessings to you and your husband! 😃

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  26. One of the best pieces of advice my mom ever game me was when I started dating. She said to remember that a man will only do what you let him get away with. She was totally right, and I lived by the flip side of that coin, that I would adhere to my deal breakers as a matter of self-respect. Fourteen years into my relationship, 10 of those years married, I continue enjoying life with a man who treats me every bit a partner, a loved equal.

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  27. Im 17 and a senior in high school. People look at me stupid because we understand stuff like this. I’ve personally understood my worth for a very long time. So when the “it guys” attempt to catch my attention and all they have are good looks. I continue to walk.

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  28. take the compliment and say thanks

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    1. We do, but Natasha just said what we would like to say to you!

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  29. Preach!! I chose the right one and I get those comments all the time.
    I had friend zoned him for 6 years and it just clicked that he was the only man(other than my dad) who was a constant. And he would do anything for me even just as a friend. Thats love.

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  30. Great read! Wouldn’t have put it better. There are actually good men out there but at times might not be packaged how we envision and we end up missing out. I completely agree, a man treats you according to the standards you set for him from the beginning

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  31. How awesome that you’re so wise in choice that you don’t even have to count blessings or be grateful … but can judge others for wishing you well. May no ‘luck’ ever befall your situation.

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    1. I think she’s very grateful. And she knows she’s blessed. But that came about because she was wise enough to choose correctly. She is saying that others who are amazed that she has an outstanding man have that choice as well. I get where she’s coming from, as I listen to my husband pull my car back into the garage because he just took the recycling bin out. You wouldn’t believe all the busters I had to go through to get to this one.

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    2. Not luck, but you wish you were so lucky!

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  32. Well said, couldn’t have said it better

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  33. To commenter D above me^, your sarcasm might be on point if she said these people were actually “wishing her well”, it sounds more like they are regretting their own choices or totally disregarding her part in finding and making the decision to be with the good guy, instead their comments make it sound like as though a good guy just fell into her lap and life effortlessly, and she had no say in it, which is untrue, it’s the opposite.

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    1. Angela..you are spot on. Couldn’t have said it better myself. You too Ifie.

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    2. Perfectly, stated Angela.

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  34. Ah. I love, love this. Absolutely.

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  36. Yes, about the “luck” comment. It isn’t luck, a good relationship is hard work, but if you don’t have someone willing to do their part it isn’t going to work out. Luck has nothing to do with it, there are billions of people in this world, you don’t meet them because of luck. You have to realize what you will deal with and what you will not and chose a partner accordingly. It was also stated, you have to let a lot of stuff go, take the good with the bad. If the bad out ways the good, there is no point, you just have to know what your own limits are to be happy. Having respect from your boyfriend/husband shouldn’t be negotiable. Everyone has flaws and things we could be better at, but wanting to be your best person for your spouse and family and yourself are signs to look for. Happiness isn’t luck, relationships aren’t luck, not wasting your time on a losers, when you see the signs, is not luck. If you spend your time in unhealthy relationships that don’t have the potential to meet your long term relationship needs, is just wasting the time when you could be “lucky” enough to find a better man.

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    1. Out weights* the

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  37. I love this. Every word is so true. Giving people a free pass to be mediocre is not right, at all!
    http:littlepalaceonline.com

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  38. Even though it’s very commendable that your husband is very loving and respectful of you. Why not celebrate when others recognizes how he treats you. Unfortunately, there is a shortage in good men out here in this world; especially black men. We often at times seem to celebrate the negatives ,yet when someone recognizes greatest the first person to downplay it is the individual who gets to experience the greatness everyday. However, those women who see it would love to only have 25% of what he gives to you. Not saying you don’t give it in return, thus when a man is on his job and handling his business he wouldn’t mind his Queen being his biggest cheer leader, cause the minute you get too comfortable with your position and you feel he ain’t all that because of the few minor flaws you mentioned, that same women who is telling you he’s great will be the same woman telling him to leave you. She will celebrate him, ignore his faults and be happy that he’s home and not chasing the next chic. We all have to sometimes [ including men] be thankful for what we have in our lives cause just as many woman celeberities and non celeberities have found out, someone else is always watching your relationship awaiting the opportunity to step in and snatch your happiness away that you claim ain’t all that. just from a mans perspective.

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    1. Jay, you missed the point and misrepresented what she stated. She continually stated her husband was good to her and awesome, but not perfect, yet just like she’s not perfect they both agreed to except EACH OTHERS FLAWS, so it’s not her fault these women decide to stay with a man and not except their flaws or even reject being with a man who flaws they couldn’t except and then make it seem like it’s “luck” that she has chose to love and except the man she’s with, flaws and all.
      Again, I think you missed the WHOLE point, but not intentionally.

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  39. Interesting topic but sometimes women are hoodwinked into believing the guy is a good guy as he portrays to be so well and than after she is pregnant the real him comes out. Sometimes it’s not by a choice…we do have men that are relationship whores…suck a women dry until he is caught and moves on to the next women. They can imitate what a man should be so well until they either get bored get caught and cornered and if women don’t catch the clues it’s done.

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    1. Mmmmm, I guess their is some truth to that, but that she only happen once in a grown woman’s life time. It’s doesn’t take you 2 to 22 times to see the signs. After the first unexpected mishap, takes notes and no the signs for the next time you encounter a bum.

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  40. I have an issue with this article although I get what message you’re conveying.
    As a single woman without children, with high standards and high hopes of meeting the right man someday I can’t tell you how refreshing and hopeful it makes me when I see husbands treating their women as they should. With respect, love, honor, and care. There is a shortage of committed, compatible, single men so seeing it makes my heart smile. Not sure who usually compliments your husband, but your response of not wanting people to acknowledge that your husband is a good man makes you sound a little selfish…as if you want people to recognize your part in allowing him to be your husband rather than just taking the compliment as it is. A compliment. Why do you feel the need to make it about yourself instead of thanking the person who complimented your man? Of course women should have standards and should stick to them, but you have a great husband and other people notice, acknowledge and even appreciate it…he may receive similar compliments about you as well. The tone in this article was interesting.

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    1. Ditto, very well said…..I really concur with the tone reference

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    2. Most the time it’s not a compliment, it’s just being envious.

      By the way, men don’t go around complimenting their boy’s wives. If they wish their boys wife or girlfriend was theirs, they tend to keep it to themselves. Unlike women. It’s definitely mostly a single woman or a married woman regretting her choice thang.

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      1. That’s not true at all. I’ve been in the church my entire life and I’ve heard men compliment their friends’ wives on things that women don’t usually do anymore (like how they are raising their children, the fact that they cook on a regular basis, and overall respect that they notice in the relationship)- much like what she is addressing in her blog. This has nothing to do with envy or with people secretly wishing their friends’ spouse was their own- but it has everything to do with someone acknowledging the good thing you have. Adults who are secure in themselves and their life choices celebrate other people’s success in healthy, loving relationships. Which is why I said I’m not sure who compliments her man because the case could very well be that people are genuinely happy that she has one of the good ones. Because let’s not forget that there are men who begin relationships/marriages well and sometimes turn violent or unfaithful or lazy or what have you.

        Here’s my point: when people acknowledge the blessing you have, it should make you grateful and it should further help you understand how blessed you are to have what other people are able to notice and appreciate and even desire. That’s all!

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    3. Yes, yes, yes! I totally agree with this comment. Well stated and I couldn’t agree more about the tone.

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  41. I’m so happy you both are happy! You and X deserves the best! Yes, you have a good husband & father for your child. You generally have a GREAT person. I say this because X is sincere in probably everything that he does. You can find great fathers that are not so good at being a husband and vice versa. You have the whole package (flaws & all) & I think thats what people see. He goes above and beyond & that is rare. My Man and I get that all the time but four years ago we didn’t. He was still a good man, but now he’s a better one and the little things he does like stopping at my job to say hello, cooking meals for me, when we are out with friends he constantly ask if I’m okay or need anything & now that we are expecting our first child; he pretty much makes sure I’m comfortable every second of the day. People notice it and it’s the above and beyond part that’s not seen often. YOU are a great woman, so it makes it that much easier for him to be the man he is. Blessings to you both!

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  42. This is beautiful…

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  43. i LOVE this!

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  44. very good!!! I was JUST about to blog about something similar as I truly understand how you feel as I get told the same thing! And it is sad that women do not experience this and some may never know what it is to have a good man. But what I do know is we are raising our son to do the same and I just hope that one day he finds a woman that will love him just as much as I love his daddy.

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  45. Wow Love this ready its very parallel to me and my Husband

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  46. I can see your point.
    Buuuuuuuut…

    I think there’s more to settling than just a black and white choice. Very often the choice isn’t about accepting flaws, but about not trusting that the future holds that proverbial fish in the sea that meets those standards. Over time, any rational human being would begin to question whether their ideals and standards are antiquated or unrealistic if they never encounter them outside of their own fantasies. Add that to the fear of becoming that ever-single aunt/friend/neighborhood cat lady and you’ve got a recipe for finding the best in someone to be enough.

    Also, if the offense (used lightly), is being called “lucky”, I’d say you’ve got it all wrong. People say that to me and my fiancé about each other all the time. Aside from my internal cringe about God’s providence being called “luck”, I agree with them! Living in this huge city, it’s nothing but “luck” [insert cringe] that caused me to find her when I did. She’s 100% perfect for me and there were some 60 and 70%’s in my past. I almost settled too. When someone says I’m lucky, I see the compliment as a praise to God as opposed to a decision for resignation.

    This was a long comment. Hopefully it all made sense!

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    1. True to the first statement, but for the second statement……. Yes it’s luck (I too cringe) that you encountered a potential mate when you first met her, but it’s not luck that you choice to except that woman as the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, that is a choice…………………hopefully you get what I’m trying to say as well.

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