I sat up in my bed a little dazed and confused. For the last 3 months everyday has felt like a reemergence from the twilight zone. It always takes just a few minutes to remember where I am.
Just as I sat up, I heard the voice loud and clear. “You don’t need to run, you need to release.”
It was the answer to the question I’d asked in desperation. A calmness settled on me and I felt myself acknowledge she was right. I had not been releasing.
Nights before I would set out my gym clothes for the next day. Or doodle until I fell asleep. I would dance naked in front of my mirror because that’s how I got the ugly out. The sadness. The anxiety. The pressure I put on myself. That is how I released the sighs.
And then every time my life would change, even just slightly, I would stop releasing. I would stop giving myself a chance to smile. I stopped breathing.
I realized that my desire to run away and be free is simply a desire to experience life over and over again without the guilt and the burden of taking care of my family before I took care of myself.
It’s a lesson I have learned over and over and over;
yet and still, it is a lesson I feel myself relearning every time the tide changes.
My life as a wife and mom is difficult. It comes with challenges and truths that I would rather bury at times but when I bottle it up; it becomes futile. And I am not the only one who suffers. I am not the only one who is affected by this reality. My kids, my husband, they both feel my discontentment and now the entire house is in disarray because I have stopped releasing for me and instead, I have started to release on them.
So no, it’s not okay to run away because it won’t solve my problems. It will only enhance them and that isn’t remotely what I’m asking for. I’m reminded that releasing is the only way to breathe and prioritizing myself and my needs is the only way to show my kids and my husband how to breathe on their own as well.
Don’t run. Release.
Take a day for yourself. Take a weekend to rejuvenate. Take a moment in every day to let go.
And don’t be afraid to ask the questions that circle in your heart. Don’t be afraid to express how you truly feel. If you don’t, you may never get the answer that frees your soul.