I woke from two, strange, heavy dreams this morning. In one, I was sidetracked by a friend in need and never found my car after hours and hours of search. The second, I had several people in my house – all of them from middle and high school. People I’ve known for twenty years. I was hosting them, taking care of their needs.
I woke up groggy. Thinking about them, the dreams. Thinking about the things I was doing in them. Taking care of people. I had this thought, that I wanted to take care of people for the rest of my life.
In my dream, I was the matriarch, the hero, the go to person. I was available. Able to help. I knew where everything was. I was brave. I was quick on my feet. I was impenetrable.
I cared about people and I took risks to help them. Even when it meant inconveniencing myself. I think, that is who I am at my core, even if it is not who I always claim to be. I am a selfless person. I know that about myself. But fear will lead me to be selfish; narcissistic even, making everything and anything about me. I catch myself doing it sometimes. Saying things, making things about me. I know it about myself, I try to change, I try to grow. To get back to who I am, who I know myself to be.
Everyday is a new day to realize it, and this quarantine thing could make it a little easier to think about who we are and what we all want, if we let it. We are turning our own world upside down and giving ourselves time to think. Not all of us are taking the time I’m sure but some of us are looking within to figure out what’s next. What we want. What we need. What does life look like after a pandemic?
I, for one, am more brave these days. I feel myself not caring as much about what other people have to say. It’s almost as if boredom is moving me to action. The change in routine is showing me how much time I can actually spend on being brave and somehow, being away from civilization is reminding me of what matters.
I am inspired to do the things I want to do. I am inspired to dream. To relive my fantasies in real life. I am inspired to hope. The repetition has given my imagination new space to dance.
I’m wondering what this pandemic will do to everybody. It seems we all needed a moment to sit down and rest. Maybe we needed a time where our lives were interrupted simultaneously by the same thing so we could finally have compassion for one another. Maybe we needed to know that life can go on even when everything changes suddenly.
Life can go on even when everything changes suddenly.
I watched the movie All The Bright Places the other day and it was…soul fueling. It’s not necessarily a feel good movie, but instead a reminder of so many things: The way we walk through life a little oblivious to other people’s pain. The way we walk though life not knowing we can be healed of our own. The way we treat others when we don’t understand. The way we treat ourselves when we’re ashamed.
All The Bright Places is a memoir of how we should treat each other when we know others are simply a mirror of ourselves. Their pain is our pain. Their problems are our problems. Their fear, is our fear.
Kinda reminds me of what is happening now. We’re all learning to be a little more compassionate. A little more hopeful. A little more aware of what others go through on a daily basis.
It’s a tragedy for some, and a quiet, kind revelation for others. I just hope, that even after this is over, we all still remember to constantly find the bright places, take time for ourselves, and learn to love others deeper than we ever have before.