So Deserving: A Thursday Sermon

(Because sometimes Sunday doesn’t work out)

I’m sitting inside of a SCAD Forsyth House apartment in Savannah watching Charmed and writing. For the last few days, I’ve been in utter amazement of myself, my worth, my God, and my life. 

Months ago (to be honest, I don’t even remember how many) I applied for a SCAD Alumni Atelier Ambassadorship. It’s a program where Scad Alumni are given space and time to work on a specific project and engage with staff to teach student workshops. 

Months after applying, I got an email from Tiffani Taylor, the head of the program asking me to send in details for my project because I was being considered. Now three months later, I’m here. 

.    .    .

It wasn’t an easy decision to come here for two weeks to finish a memoir I’ve been working on for years. It felt selfish. I spent the first night thinking of my family back home and my husband as he gets the kids ready for bed all by himself. I have moments where I feel bad. Hoping he’s alright. Wishing I could be there with him. To help him. Hug him. Tell him things. Yet in all this emotion, I am reminding myself, I am worthy. I have worked for this for years. I’ve applied to residency programs and author programs and all types of things for a long time.

And now, I’m here. 

I keep reminding myself that I deserve to be here because I’m here. I have worked for almost 10 years to get to a place where I (and others) take myself seriously as a writer. I have worked so hard to prove my worth. I have worked to become this person who can take a two week trip away from her family to pursue her writing. To feel like an artist. To live in my purpose. I am listening to my soul. I am following the yes. I am allowing myself to become anew. And while it is severely scary — it is also, severely gratifying. 

.    .    .

There is a very fine line between feeling grateful and feeling deserving. And at times, those two emotions can feel conflicting. What I do know, is that being deserving is not a negative thing. It’s not prideful. It’s not wrong to know you deserve what you want. Instead, it’s a beautiful alignment between your desires and your devotion. A strange balance I am working to embody as the days go by.

The more deserving I feel, the bigger I dream. Preparing myself for the opportunities yet to come. The bigger ones. The ones that require me to prove myself worthy (more on this later). I ask myself (and you) How will we continue to remind ourselves we are deserving of what we desire? Or am I the only one who needs reminding? Lol.

.    .    .

I’m grateful to Dr. Wallace, Tiffani Taylor, and The Scad Alumni Atelier program for this opportunity to spread my wings and find my voice. I am immensely grateful, and so deserving.

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