27.

IMG_9212For the past few years, my birthday has been a dreaded and miserable day for me. Disappointment in my life often led me down a road of resentment and feelings of failure. My career  hasn’t taken off the way I’d hoped. My thoughts and desires concerning life sequence and money have not been fulfilled ;and I’ve often questioned whether my leap of faith was a huge mistake. My birthday would come around and I would focus more on my failures than I would focus on my achievements. This year, I began walking down that same road. I was starting to feel depressed. From money problems to unmet desires, I had already begun to start the process of self loathing about a week before the day of my birth. Only a few people know how many hours I’ve cried because I was disappointed in my life. Only my husband knows to the extent in which I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts.  To some, my life looks perfect. To me, my life was a disappointment and every birthday was a reminder that I wasn’t where I desired to be.

Well. This year is different. This year, I made the decision to grow. I made the decision to be great. I made the decision to love and celebrate myself while being grateful for all that I have and all that I have achieved. I started on Sunday, May 15th. I began to prep myself and remind myself constantly that this year would be different. This year, I would not let my own thoughts or the opinions of others ruin the beauty of my perfect life. This morning, my birthday, May 19th, I woke up in control. I woke up excited about myself and grateful for this beautiful life. I chose not to self loathe. I chose not to focus on unmet desires and instead I began to remind myself of how beautiful I am. I reminded myself of why I am worthy of celebration. As I was giving myself the most encouraging speech I’ve ever IMG_9210heard, I began to cry. Tears of joy this time. I was almost taken aback at how much I’ve changed over the last few months. I recognize that ultimately, disappointment is real. However, it’s just as real as my ability to choose which emotion I will feed. It’s just as real as the beauty and significance of my life.

So, today I’ve chosen to celebrate myself. It’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever given myself. The most beautiful gift that I’ll ever give anyone who has chosen to walk this life with me. From my husband to friends and family, to my kids (who didn’t technically choose to walk with me but whatever), I’m so grateful for every piece of love I’ve been fortunate and honored to have experienced. I am so beautiful. As I walked around today with my Ankara dress with a plunging neckline (a little cleavage for the birthday won’t hurt nobody), I embraced the attention. I embraced my confidence. I embraced the love I have developed for myself. I’m so in love with God because through His guidance and love, I’ve been able to grow and see myself the way He sees me. I know that I can never be perfect in the eyes of humans so I’m no longer concerned about trying to be. I do know that I’m perfect in the eyes of God and as I grow and move forward, I have begun to see perfection when I look into myself.

I’m so proud of that.

Sharing these thoughts and embracing them as truth has been freeing and an amazing experience. I’m hoping that these thoughts can encourage someone else that has ever been in a place where they were so disappointed with life that they weren’t able to celebrate themselves. Life is beautiful. Celebrate it, love it and mostly, please love yourself!

  1. I’m excited

 

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