Ex: No wahala, I go move. (No problem, I’ll move)
Ex: Wahala dey come. (Trouble is coming.)
For many,many years, I’ve deemed myself unworthy of the trouble and conflict that comes with difficult conversations and conflict resolution. I’ve been told that I seem as if nothing bothers me. Or that I could care less about others in certain situations. I’ve recently realized that (aside from my husband) I rarely tell others when they’ve hurt me. I almost always brush it off and move on, convincing myself that it just doesn’t matter. I convince myself that whatever happened wasn’t a big deal and instead of addressing it and gaining closure, I bury it deep inside of a “times they hurt me” folder in my heart and carry it with me for years.
Sometimes, being able to brush things off can be a good attribute. There is benefit in not dwelling on the past. However, in my case, I’ve noticed that instead of experiencing healing, I’m plagued by the instances of hurt for weeks, months and even years. Truth is, I never considered that I was worth the trouble that comes with having these conversations. I never thought I mattered enough. Never considered that the more I brushed things off, the more I was hurting myself in the long run. Now, I find myself having spurts where I dwell upon an offense and I go so deep that I end up in a place of resentment. Then I begin to unintentionally distance myself from those that have no idea that they’ve hurt me in the first place.
Ironically, I get upset when others don’t tell me when I’ve hurt them. I have a friend that has consistently let me know when I’ve hurt her; for no reason other than a genuine desire to get resolve and strengthen our friendship. I used to get upset when she would wait months before telling me how she felt but now I realize that I do the exact same thing. And in some instances, I still haven’t told certain people that they’ve hurt me. It’s easy for me to convince myself that these conversations simply aren’t necessary but the truth is that they are mandatory for friendships to gain strength and remain healthy. Without letting each other know how we truly feel, its common to harbor unforgivenenss while allowing things to build up in our hearts.
I’m well aware that not every missed conversation is due to a person feeling unworthy. Sometimes it’s necessary to allow time for healing. Sometimes, people find it unnecessary to have these conversations at all. It’s easy to get caught up in a moment when dealing with hurt in relationships. We get blinded by how we feel to the point where we forget the history of the relationship. We focus solely on the negative aspects and allow ourselves to indulge in the way we feel in that very moment. Just as not every relationship should be salvaged (see http://thewritepieces.com/2015/10/22/hard-to-say-goodbye/), not every hurtful moment requires a conversation. Are these conversations hard? Of course. It isn’t always easy to admit when we’ve been wronged nor is it easy to tell someone that they are the culprit. However, relationships are strengthened when we put aside our apprehension and pain and just have the conversation.
As I write, I’m contacting those that have hurt me and letting them know how I feel. Clearing up the air. WE can’t be afraid of conflict. WE can’t be afraid to express how we feel. In the long run,we’re doing ourselves a disservice. Tell others how you feel. Let your loved ones know how they’ve hurt you. I can’t promise that it will always end well. In certain situations, it may cause a huge conflict. But the health of your relationship with that person is worth the trouble that comes along with difficult conversations and
you are worth the wahala.