A Dying Superhero

 There is this ability we have. The ability to die over and over while trying desperately to look alive. Putting on makeup and cute clothes to feel beautiful. Convincing ourselves that we have to keep going or life will drown us with no remorse. We wake up early and sleep late. We’re the backbone to the skyscraper visions of our husbands. We’re the bearer of gifts called new life. The ability to undergo units of pain and still put on high heels and tight clothing. We bleed and endure pain while being the hero in everyday life yet no one is saving us. Call me dramatic, but all i’m trying to say, is that women, are the ish.

Last night, I was thinking about everything that I needed to do today. I had just finished cleaning the house, washing the dishes and folding laundry at about 10:30 pm. I crawled into bed to do work on my computer while simultaneously planning a day that hadn’t even shown its face yet. Within 30 minutes, my husband walked through the door with a smile on his face. I wanted so badly to have preapred something for him to be happy with. A snack, an ambiance, some lingerie. But I was so tired and focused on the tasks ahead that I just managed to say “hey baby”. I thought about a woman I know. A woman that told me that she creates a welcoming atmosphere for her husband when he gets home. She gets off her phone, has dinner prepared, and greets him with a smile and sultry voice. She’s intentional about making sure her husband loves coming home. I thought about her, and shook my head. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be that woman. And now that we’ve added a growing, sassy infant to the mix, some days it’s a wonder that I’m able to greet my husband with a smile. With the help of God, I’m even able to cook and provide him with love making most days.

This isn’t a pity party. It’s a confession of reality and struggle. Answering a million questions a day and having to think for everyone else around you. To the point where you find yourself asking for help just to think for you. Being a full time wife, full time mother and then finding a way to be a full time me. Somehow finding balance in loving my family to life and loving myself the same. No, you shouldn’t have to choose but some days I do. I remember one day asking a friend, who takes care of the woman that’s taking care of everyone else. Her answer: “Jesus”. Laughable but so true. This also isn’t a comparison party. I’m not here to talk about what I do vs what my husband does. I’m simply speaking for the women that relate. The women that also struggle with being full time everything all day everyday. I find myself stressed sometimes simply because I want so badly to focus on my career or my personal development but I have to wrestle with what takes priority. Yes, it’s super cute in the pictures, and it’s a blessing to have a family. It’s also a reality that you never really know what you’re signing up for until you’re in it. And at that point you either thrive or you run. And running is not an option. So you thug it out and unintentionally become a superhero. The problem with that, is that we don’t consider that superheroes need sleep. Or the chance to recharge. Or the right to focus on yourself for a day. Or a week. So we keep going and going and going until we find ourselves incapable of moving forward.  Mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally tired yet still trying to maintain a fresh face. We cover up the bags under our eyes instead of finding time to rest. We cry in the shower so that no one sees our tears. We walk with a limp in private so we don’t get asked questions. And even when we’re at 13%, needing to be plugged in to a power source, we function as if we’re at 1000%. We function on autopilot.

I wouldn’t ever trade being a woman. Or a wife. Or a mother. But I will admit that it’s hard trying to maintain all three while keeping sanity and happiness within arms reach. I’m not here to take away from the journey of the husband, the father, the sister or the friend. I’m just here to speak on my life and the struggle to thrive in every area. Women, stop putting yourselves last. At the very least, rest. Let God take the burdens that you have decided to carry yourself. Ask Him for help. Ask others. Take care of yourself. And consider that a dying superhero isn’t capable of saving anyone.