Then There Were Four.

Let me just be honest with you for a moment. I never imagined that I would be a wife and mother. I wasn’t one of those girls who dreamt of white weddings and long evenings in the kitchen. I never planned family vacations in my head or thought of baby names while still learning how to write in cursive. I wanted a career and a grandiose life. Marriage and kids were an added commodity that I imagined would come much later on in life. So the story goes, what we desire escapes us and when we least expect it, life surprises us with the exact thing we never thought we’d have. And at 26 years old I am a wife and soon to be mother to two kids.  

Yes. We’re expecting, AGAIN.

As I walked into my second ultrasound appointment to find out the sex of our new baby, my mind was riddled with confusion as to how exactly I got to this place. This place of wifedom and motherhood of not one, but two kids within a three year time span. I thought back to the day we found out we were expecting another child. Christmas Eve. A day painted with presents, excitement and togetherness left my husband and I holding each other in fear. What is happening? How are we going to be parents of two children? God, I thought you knew what we wanted, what are YOU doing?? In this moment I imagine God looking down at me with the confused face, “Well, when you have sex, babies come little girl.” I know God. I know.  

[I know, I know, this sounds sad  but I promise it gets better.]

Fast forward five months, as the smoke clears and the dust settles, the reality of “all is well” has become our posture.  We’re now filled with excitement to meet our new baby boy! Change and transition have both always troubled me and have even led me to a place of anxiety at times.

Questions of inadequacy have filled my mind over the last few months as I’ve solicited advice from new mothers of two. How can I love more than one child equally? How will I juggle two kids when I go crazy watching my sassy, vibrant 10 month old? The answer settles within me every single time like a dove descending on it’s favorite tree. “You just will.” The heavily quoted phrase “God won’t give you more than you can bear” comes to mind. I reflect back on the days when I’ve literally cried because I was exhausted or overwhelmed with life’s demands and unsolicited annoyances.

The most important phrase in that sentence is “reflect back.” I realize that even on my worst days. In the most complicated situations, I made it through them. Sounds cliche, but it’s been what has gotten me through life these past few months. I no longer waste energy worrying about “how’s” and “why’s” because the reality is, it’ll all work out. It always has and always will.

So even as we prepare for two car seats and the double stroller life (rolls eyes emoji), I’m assured that we’re going to beast being parents of two. I’m challenged to find balance and promise myself that I will never lose sight of my own desires despite the challenges that come with raising a family.

Here’s to another round of new baby bliss with my sexy baby daddy.