29.

(written in a Tin Lizzy’s on May 19th, my 29th birthday)

There comes a time in life where you learn to stop depending on others. You look up and realize your entire life has been built on validation and the desire to be desired. To be pleased and satisfied – fulfilled.

All of a sudden, you’re an adult, with two children and a husband and a five year marriage. You walk with confidence but there is still that doubt, that little voice that reminds you of your pitfalls and your failures and every possible negative thing that could ever happen to you.

You stare in the mirror and love yourself one day, and the next day, you decide to pick out every single ugly thing about you. Ignoring the beauty and instead embracing comparison, which is like dying a very slow death.

Today, I find myself in a very strange in between – which honestly, has been my entire life – in between. That’s where we live isn’t it? The in between. In between the dashes. In between church and state. In between adulthood and childhood and adolescence. In between happiness and sadness; between love and hate. We live in between cherished and forgotten and if you’re like me, you live in between fantasy and reality. Trying really hard to settle somewhere but realizing, you don’t really belong in either one.

I’m 29. Trying to find myself every single day and neglect the notion that I owe somebody something. Because honestly, living is hard enough without having to be responsible for how everyone else feels and what they think and what they want from you. I have let go of the urge to feed my inhibitions and restrict myself when I want to dance on the northbound Marta platform because who gives a fuck what Becky thinks or Rodney or whoever else is watching as I wind my waist to the tunes of Maleek Berry.

Not even my children can control me because one day they will grow up and I will be old and I have to let go of the responsibility to monitor their every breath – and honestly, who has time for that shit anyway? I want to go out and shake my ass and have fun without feeling the guilt of being away from the kids who came through me. But, I also want the freedom to spend time with them and abandon my plans because maybe that day, they’re just a lot more fun.

The in between.

As I sit in Tin Lizzy’s sipping my drink, staring out of the window into the grounds of Oakland cemetery, I’m reminded to “be grateful for what I have and fearless for what I want” because life is precious and opportunity is endless. And it doesn’t matter if it’s my birthday or not, I’m not limited to conquering the world on this day, I’m gifted with the ability to do it any and every day afterwards.

All i’ll ever need in this life is a blank page and permission to dream.

Cheers to 29.