I Don’t Want To Be A Good Person

For as long as I remember, I’ve had this obsession with being a good person. I don’t know where it started. I think back to when I was a child, five or six years old — for the most part, I did the right thing and I wasn’t mean to others. I’m not sure if it’s been instilled in me to ‘be a good person’ or if it’s some intrinsic desire that has followed me throughout my life.

If I can be honest, I am not really that good of a person.

People are always telling me how ‘zen’ and calm I am. Meanwhile, I am CONSTANTLY cursing people out in my mind or judging others for what I deem to be idiotic choices. I often avoid people so I don’t have to pretend to want to be in their presence.

I think of insults to say to people when I’m angry, I just don’t say them. I have selfish intentions often and I don’t really like going out of my way to make others happy.

I am not a good person.

I’ve been watching this show called In The Dark on Netflix. The main character is a blind woman named Murphy who was called “the worst person I’ve ever met” several times throughout the show. Every time someone calls her a terrible person, I reflect on it. I review her behavior and her patterns and try to connect that description to what she’d done to that person. Every time, it troubles me that I don’t consider her a terrible person. She isn’t a great person per-say. Inconsiderate and a little selfish but certainly not terrible.

I think about all the times I didn’t curse someone out or set boundaries because I was trying to be a good person. I think about the times I bite my tongue because I’m trying to be a good person.

And tonight, while thinking of very low blows to say to someone who annoys me, I said to myself “that’s not something a good person would say.”

And then I asked myself, what does it really mean to be a good person? And why have I been so concerned with being one all these years?

If I could trace it back, I think being a good person is connected to these three things for me:

1. Being Liked
2. Being Perfect
3. Being Admired

I spent many years worrying about being those three things. Now, I am much more concerned with being myself. My favorite self, as Joseph Solomon would put it.

Being a good person versus being my favorite person are two different things. A good me would follow all the rules and only say nice things to people. My favorite me would do what works best for me and tell people the truth in love.

A good me would stay in situations that hurt me because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. My favorite me creates boundaries and makes decisions to better my life and the lives of those who interact with me daily.

Whenever we talk about being a good person, my therapist reminds me that ‘good’ is subjective and there are better words to use to describe yourself. I want to be authentic, and present, and loving, and aware. I want to be considerate. I can define myself based on who I want to be versus who I am supposed to be.

And to be honest, I am still deciding who I want to be. I want to be the person who tells the truth but I do not want to break hearts. I want to uplift but also be fair. To curse someone out or to not curse someone out is always the question for me. I’m still deciding where I’ll land on that one but for now, I’ll keep it in my head.