January Lessons: Commitment, Purpose, & Marriage

I’ve been learning a lot of lessons lately. Lessons that have been a little hard to process because they’re all happening at once. Lessons I want to learn but am having a hard time deciphering what they actually are. I wrote down an idea “January lessons” I titled it. I figure, maybe I could write about the lessons I learn each month, or at least the. months I remember. I’ve learned not to commit myself to monthly things unless I am sure I have the capacity. otherwise, I feel like a failure. I’ve learned not to set myself up that way.

Push Through When You Want To Give Up

I am on a fitness journey — probably for the rest of my life honestly. In 2022 I worked out consistently (at least 2–3 days a week) and on the last week of the year, I decided it was time to take it up a notch. I wanted to do 5 days a week, add weights and cardio, and also become more intentional about my nutrition. It was a big ask of myself but I have goals and I knew it was time to move forward.

I’ve been salty about my fitness journey. Though Iw as consistent last year, I didn’t see the results I wanted to see because I was missing a few key elements. Also, I would have moments of weakness and slack that would drastically hinder my progress. This year, in more areas than just fitness, is about going all in. Giving it my all. Something I was afraid to do for fear of the “what if I give my all and it doesn’t work?” In my mind, giving it my all and not seeing results was more depressing than not doing anything at all.

I convinced myself that if I didn’t at least try to give it my all, I’d never know if that was the only thing missing. So here we are, this is week 4, day 2 of my new nutrition and workout routine and this week, I really wanted to quit. I sat in my morning meditation creating reasons why I should change up the routine or maybe take a break. And then I told myself no — you cannot stop and you cannot quit. This is when you push through. And I did. And I will continue. Will report back with results later.

Let Purpose Distract You

In November 2022, I had a weird falling out with a friend I spoke to every single day. What used to be filled with us telling each other random details of life was now somewhat empty. I grieved for a couple weeks. I was upset for a couple weeks and then decided I needed to turn my attention towards something that would be fruitful. Well, I thought, now I can focus on this creative project I really want to launch. And I did. And it was the best decision I could have made.

Since that week, I’ve been extremely committed to my mission to just create for the sake of creating. For the last year I was bogged down by client work and felt extremely unfulfilled. That has all changed since November and I feel the most fulfilled I have felt in so long. My friend and I have since made up but my focus on commitment has not changed. I love the feeling of focusing on and feeling through my art. I love the feeling of listening to myself and knowing when it’s time to rest and when it’s time to create. When it’s time to give space and when it’s time to connect with others.

I wouldn’t say my friedships have hindered me from gorwing, but I do think my depenedence on them for comfort clouded me. Redirecting my focus has helped me realize who I am, reminded me of what I want, and reignited a passion. When life feels clouded, it needs space to clear out. Sometimes we do it, and sometimes, it’s done for us.

Not Everything Needs To Be Said

I’ve developed this routine over the last four or so months where I consult my “higher” self before spewing out my feelings or expressing my disappointment. I started this practice after a couples therapy session with my husband.

For years, every time I was triggered by an event or occurrence, I’d result to “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Anything from a sock on the floor (a floor I just cleaned) to my husband telling me last minute that he was going out and I was up to watch the kids. One day, my husband got tired of constantly hearing those words and said to me “Well if you do’nt want to be here, you can leave. I don’t want to keep you anywhere you don’t want to be”

During our therapy session, my therapist helped me realize I was being triggered by these occurrences and every time I feel as if Idon’t have control or as if I’m trapped, I react by trying to run OR I fall into a depression. This empowered me to reimagine how these moments could go.

I took time to assess my emotions when things would happen — and not just at home, everywhere.

I would ask myself a few questions:

1. How are you feeling? Mad, sad, disappointed, silenced, ignored, etc.
2. Why do you feel that way? — and when I asked myself this question, I try to view the situation as clearly as possible. Instead of saying “they did this or they did that”, I’d try to understand what was tirggered within me. Instead of “i want to quit my job”, I’d come ot the conclusion “ I like my job, I don’t like what just happened” which gave me more pwoer.
3. What can you do about it? What do you need? — Now, I can see if there is a solution that can be found within my reach. And if not, i would create a clear and concise ask. Instead of “ I want to quit my job”, I’d say “I am going to address what happened” or “I’m going to talk to my therapist to help me proess what happened”

It happened again the other night. I got upset with my husband over a financial matter. I took about an hour to sit with myself and analyze why I was upset. Then I asked myself what I could do about it. The reality is, there are times my husband and I just don’t speak the same language or understand each other’s point of view — and this was one of those times. Instead of expecting him to change his mind, I decided to change mine and do something that would solve the problem without harming anyone.

We ended up having the conversation later, but I honestly could have moved on without it. I’d found my why and my what.

Taking a few minutes to analyze how I’m feeling and searching for a solution first has helped me be more clear about my needs, avoid situations where I’m spewing emotions at someone, and develop a practice of calm analysis as opposed to eratic expression.

These conversations with my husband got better. Instead of being upset, I’d communicate my wants and needs in a calm manner — wants and needs that I’ve analyzed. And there would be times I’d reflect and realize no one did anything wrong. I was reacting to a triggered feeling as opposed to a perceived wrongdoing.

I think that’s it for January lessons. Feel free to ask questions or share your own lessons.