I recently stumbled upon a literary article about the expectations of mothers — and by stumbled, I mean, I googled ‘Expectations of mothers’ and that article was the first thing I clicked on.

The article reports on findings of contemporary motherhood norms; the exact type of thing I was looking for, that I wasn’t sure existed.

I read the article, (Ok, I skimmed it ) and thought it was so interesting. I wasn’t surprised by the findings but seeing a research article clearly spell out the burdens I’ve been feeling for years was like a healthy dose of validation with an aftertaste of disappointment.

As a mother reading this, you’ll know what I mean. There are certain truths we just know. We know that people expect us to be put together, smart, ‘in control of our bodies, our personal mothering performance, and our child.’

We’re expected to keep a close pulse on our child’s development and make sure they become good people. We are in charge of their nutrition, and if they don’t have healthy snacks, it’s on us.

We’re expected to know when to choose ourselves over our children or when to choose our children over our spouse. We’re expected to snap back, look great, and be available.

We are expected to be in control and to get it right, every time — all the time .

This concept of control isn’t only hoisted onto us in regards to our children — we’re also expected to control ourselves.

We’re expected to control our bodies as they change without our permission. To control our temper. To control our hormones as they cascade from one side of the spectrum to the other.

We are expected to control our desires and wrangle our voices to a soft spoken tone. And if ever we decide to step out of our comfort zones and do something out of the norm, we’re expected to do it consistently, do it alone, and do it perfectly.

So what happens when we decide to steer outside of the norms? When we decide we don’t like society’s expectations, so we reject them? It’s what happens whenever anybody decides to do that. Some are celebrated, some are ridiculed. All are free.

A few years ago, I told my therapist I wanted to be a “good” mother. She shared that the words “Good” and “bad” are subjective and suggested we use different words to describe my motherhood; words I could be intentional about — intentions I could control.

I started saying things like I want to be a present and considerate mother. I want to be a healthy mother who prioritizes wellness. I want to be happy and love my husband well.

I want to make delicious meals and also order out when necessary. I want to give myself grace and allow my children to be children. I want to support them and instill the discipline to be great. I want to be bad, and silly, and fun.

I want to be serious about my craft and great in my execution. I want to travel both alone and with my kids. I want to drive a nice car that isn’t filled with junk. I want to have rules and plan vacations. And most of all, I want to be free.

It’s a radical act to stop paying attention to the expectations society throws at you and instead, focus in on the expectations you have of yourself. And it takes practice and discipline to not only ask yourself how you want to show up as a mother, but to actually show up that way.

The world won’t always give us space to be and live how we want, but we have the ability to make space for ourselves wherever we are.

In an article I read recently, a woman was lamenting about how mothers can’t have it all — “that phrase is a myth,” she said.

Every time I read it, I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly “it all” is.

At one point in time, ‘it all’ was the house, husband, kids, and career. Now, I think ‘it all’ depends on the person living the life.

‘It all’ looks different for all of us — but the problem is, we don’t always align ourselves to the truth of our souls, sometimes, we align ourselves to what others want and think we should want.

But what if you don’t want that — whatever that is. What if you want to control your own narrative? What if you don’t want to ascribe to the expectations that others deem as the golden standard? What if what you want is completely different? And because it’s different, you actually can have it all.

As far as I’m concerned, the only person that matters when it comes to defining the expectations of motherhood — is the mother.

So, what do you want?

Journal Prompts:

A Few Questions For The Mother

1. What do you want? Journal about it, write it down, record a voice note. However you do it, be really sincere and honest with yourself about it. Even if the answer if “I don’t know.”
2. Is there anything in your life you’re trying to live up to that isn’t aligned with how you want to live your life?
3. Do you know what type of mother you want to be? Should you shift any priorities in your life to fulfill that? Should you change your expectations of yourself in any way? Can you?
4. Can you be proud of who you are while also striving to be who you want to be?

Feel free to journal about these or leave a comment if anything resonates!