The Pursuit Of Purpose

When success just isn’t enough

I remember constantly asking God what my purpose was. Asking questions like, do we really actually have a purpose other than just to live? Is purpose fulfilled in just one way? Is purpose equivalent to success?

These questions rummage around my mind from time to time when I’m feeling a little empty. I’m sure God is quite tired of hearing these questions and to be honest, I’m quite tired of asking.

I’ve always thought writing was my purpose. Since the first time I started writing poetry in 2009 to performing spoken word to starting a blog in 2011 — writing has always felt like breathing to me. Without it, I feel empty.

But still, even while writing consistently, there is still something missing — something, I assume, is purpose.

A month ago, I signed up for Luvvie Ajayi’s Book Academy where she teaches others how to become best selling authors. As a 4x NY Times Best Seller, she has a format that works and she’s sharing it with those willing to invest and learn.

I expected to learn about the process of writing, marketing your books, branding, and how to find your subject matter. What I didn’t expect, were the moments where she’d remove her slide deck from the screen so she can talk to us directly about purpose.

It got me thinking about my book, my writing, my creativity, my videos, my plans — all the things I’m doing to “put myself out there”. It made me ask myself why?

Why am I sharing my art? Why am I writing? Why am I creating videos and trying to develop strategic ways to put myself in front of others? What is the reason? What is my purpose?
And this time, I feel like I wasn’t asking God — I was asking me.

There is an aching that happens when you aren’t living in your purpose. I know it well. I live with it.

I often ignore it and attribute it to my need to be more grateful, but it reminds me of this feeling I used to have when I was younger.

I grew up in church — a white led, church of God where they sang catchy songs, had a beautiful set, and got my name wrong on the first try, every time.

I started going to church to that church in fourth grade, and by middle school, I’d said the salvation prayer so many times, I knew it by heart. I remember being in middle school, still saying that salvation prayer because I wasn’t quite sure if I was saved. I couldn’t tell. I didn’t really know because at that age, how do you know, you know?

But then I remember the day I knew. I remember the day I was just sure. I knew I had a relationship with God and I knew it was strong. I had a knowing.

Not being sure of my purpose feels like that uncertainty I felt around being saved.

It wasn’t necessarily about the rules of it all (which is what I felt or thought for a long time) It was more so about the internal connection to it.

I learned how to have an internal connection to God and I’m wondering if now, I need to learn how to have an internal connection with purpose.

Like, maybe purpose isn’t something that just drops in your lap one day or is as easily identifiable as a title or a pathway even. Maybe purpose comes in many forms, much like God, and we have to learn how to connect to the soul of it, so we can live in it.

Which makes me wonder, how I can truly connect to something I’ve been chasing? I wonder, if connection is less about pursuit, and more about attraction.

So, now instead of asking myself “what is your purpose”, maybe I can just live in it.

More to come on that.