.…And These Three Things, I Learned From My Mother

When I was a little girl, I would watch my mother put her knee to the steering wheel and drive as she used tweezers to shape her eyebrows — something she later taught me that saved me $10 every two weeks.

She was fascinating to me. The way she did it so effortlessly, the way her knee moved from left to right with ease, never knocking anything over or getting into any accidents. I wanted to be like her when I grew up.

Ten years later, I went through that embarrassing phase of life where we think our mothers know nothing and we know everything. and about fifteen years after that, I realized she was right about most things.

I climbed into her bed not too long ago just to lay there with her. To be in her presence. If I’m honest, I wanted to lay with her, in her lap, under her bosom. I wanted her to embrace me. But I settled for the other side of the bed, giving her space to enjoy her time of reading on her kindle – which I had to practically force her to get several years before.

“I don’t want to read on a screen,” she would say, “I like reading physical books.” Years later, she has had approximately 9 kindles since and I’m pretty sure she’s in the process of ordering another one. Amazon should pay her.

She lay there silently, very silently reading her book. I could barely hear her breathing. She could feel me I’m sure, wanting badly to talk and say something, unload all my problems onto her but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to interrupt her peace as I’m sure I’d done over and over throughout my lifetime.

We both needed the silence — and we gave each other just that.

At 30 something years old, my mother has become my new role model. Not because she’s always right or because she is perfect. More so because she is her, my mother, whom I’ve been entrusted to. As a mother of two myself now, It took me walking in her shoes to value her in ways I couldn’t value her before.

My mother has taught me several things over this lifetime — some in words — but mostly in her actions.

My mom always taught me to be honest. “If you can’t say something in front of someone’s face, don’t say it at all.” The funny thing about that is, I don’t think she was necessarily being super Christian or nice about it, I think it’s just a principle she lives by. Be honest with people. Tell them how you feel and even if you don’t, be able to say it to their face if someone calls you on it. Be real. Don’t be a punk.

I remember the time she told me her job was sending her to sensitivity training because she was too forward with people. She learned that it wasn’t necessarily what she was saying that was the problem, it was how she said it.

Yet and still, my mom holds no bars when it comes to being honest with people. She says it like it is, what it is, when it is and regrets nothing.

My mom has taught me not to take anyone else’s shit. When I was a kid, I would get made fun of. My mother always told me if anyone messed with me I should let her know so she could coach me on really good comebacks — the 1999 version of ‘clapbacks’. I never told her but over the years, I learned how to clap back like my momma and I’m pretty proud of myself.

She never lets anyone get over on her or tell her what to do. She always does what she wants and if someone has a problem with it- even us- she’d tell them to talk to the hand or get out of her face or “bye Felicia” or whatever the popular phrase is at the time.

It works for her and I’m finding, it works for me too.

My mom taught me how to get it done. Sam’s club shopping after church. Family vacations. $10 meals. Nursing school with three children.Vacations with friends. Raising children. Snapping back. Working out. It can be done if you want it to be.

My mom is never ever going to forget the past. She keeps record of wrongdoing and patterns of behaviors. She knows who you are and what you did. She knows how you treated her and what you said. She knows what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. And no matter how you deny it, she has receipts.

I’m not saying it’s a great thing to keep records of wrongdoing. and depending on your faith, you could even say it’s the opposite of loving; but there is value in knowing who people are so you know what to expect from them.

She has kept her word in cutting off the people who’ve wronged her one too many times and she has also kept her word in being a friend to people who need her. She knows who you are and she’ll treat you accordingly but she will also treat you like a person who needs love if in deed she has the love to give that day.

I admire my mom for that. But most of all, I admire her because she’s changing. At 60 she is still evolving and letting her light shine in the lives of my friends and those I call family. She is the person everyone knows as the coolest mom ever. She is resilient and she’s learned how to throw up her hands in the midst of the tide and just go with the flow because fighting against it would be way too tedious and “ain’t nobody got time for that.”

My mom’s a treasure — not just because she’s my mom — but because no matter how you’ve come into contact with her, you can’t say she doesn’t love you and she isn’t the most fun person to be around at any given time.

Honest. Raw. Uncensored. Wise, funny, and giving. Three sides of a pyramid that can be seen very differently depending on which angle you experience her.

I just can’t help but smile when I consider what three things my daughter will learn from me. And I hope that maybe, she’ll be just as appreciate and grateful for me, and I am for her grandmother.