You Chose Your Man.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I have a good man. Every time he smiles at me or serves me. Every time he opens my door or calls me sweetie the world around me erupts in cheer and accolades as if I’ve just won the golden ticket to the chocolate factory.

People are sure to remind me that I’m blessed and lucky to have such a good husband. He loves me, is easy-going, and respects me blah blah blah. Which is true. He’s amazing. But one thing that I just keep thinking is that every woman has the opportunity to have that. And please wait before you jump on me and slap the “there are no good men left” stigma in my face. I meet women that complain about their men or compare theirs to mine and it’s increasingly frustrating. If anyone knows my story, they know that I am one of the LEAST deserving of a good man yet I have one. Because I chose to have one. You can’t choose to settle for what’s in front of you simply because you really want to be wedded and then get upset that you don’t have a “good” man. My mom brags on my husband all the time, which I’m grateful for. But just like any other human, he has his flaws. Flaws that irritate the hell out of me sometimes. And I’m ok with those flaws. I can live with them. He doesn’t disrespect me or treat me any less than a queen. He helps with the baby and around the house when I need him to. He’s also insanely nonchalant about planning and leaves it to me to do 90% of the thinking for our household. He could stay inside and watch superhero movies all day and when he cooks, he leaves it all in the kitchen to soak….for days. And while these things drive me crazy, they are things I’m willing to live with because he’s 100% amazing; flaws and all.
You have the ability to choose what your deal breakers are. And if for some reason, you decided that everything is a deal breaker,than you choose to wait until that man comes that will fulfill all of the requirements on your list. On the other hand, if nothing is a deal breaker, than you have chosen to settle with a man who has no accountability or standards to reach. Then there are those of us that are in the middle, patiently waiting for a man who will meet our standards while also being willing to compromise. It’s often easy to waver in that place. It’s easy to decide to settle on the non negotiable’s just so that you won’t be alone anymore. However, choosing to settle is also choosing to accept a life with someone who may or may not leave you feeling miserable in a few months, or years.
One Sunday, X (short for Xavier,who is my husband) and I were preparing to leave for church. I was standing about 20 feet away from where we parked. X got in the car, backed out and backed up to where I was standing. A friend of ours made a comment about him being ahead of his time because had it been him, he would have just waited for me to walk to the car. In that moment I was proud to have a man who did a simple thing like drive to pick me up; even if it was just 20 ft. In college, I had the epiphany that one of the reasons why men get the pass to cheat, be lazy, relinquish all responsibilities to women etc, is because we give them the “OK”. We say “well he’s a man, so he’s going to do….” While I was pregnant, a friend told me that my husband wouldn’t wake up with the baby because that was my job. The hell? Did he not make the baby with me? Matter fact, he’s the reason the baby was created. Why would it just be MY responsibility to take care of her?? People say I’m lucky because he helps me. No. I’m not lucky because he helps me. I chose a man that loves me and has a good heart. A man that wants to be involved with his family. A man that wants to be a good father and a good example to his family and children.
Sometimes us women have the habit of choosing men we think we want and then we compare. Or we get upset that our man isn’t doing xyz. You chose him! No matter the circumstance, you made a choice to be with him. Granted, I understand there are cultures where marriages are fixed, and circumstances where you choose to be with a man for various financial and security reasons. But (and this may sound harsh) you made a choice and you can’t blame others for it.
Most us of us have had the ability to choose the hardworking, caring man that has a God fearing love within him. But we don’t choose those guys. Hell, I almost didn’t choose mine. Sometimes they don’t come with the shiny new job. Or the “cool factor”. Sometimes they aren’t the bad boys. Sometimes they are the virgins. The ones we reject because we don’t like their style. The list can go on forever. Either way. We make choices. And those choices determine what life looks like.
So. Stop telling me I’m lucky to have a good man. I’m blessed that he found me and I’m glad that I chose him.
plane ride

123 thoughts on “You Chose Your Man.

  1. Typo in second to last paragraph, beginning with “Most”.

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  2. Great post! You may choose your man, yes, your point is home, but you sure as hell make your man as well. If you aren’t there to support him he sure as hell isn’t your man.

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  3. Quite true it has me reanalysing myself to know exactly what I want and what I need

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  4. Nice article.its good to be wise on how we choose our men but can we also say that we also need God’s help in making the right decision because you might think you’ve made the right choice but turn out to be something else later on.

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    1. Absolutely. Definitely need God’s help

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  5. I had to reblog this . This is one of those articles you read and it gives you the life reality in a good straight forward way .
    Nice one girl

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  6. I love this and can definitely relate. My husband is awesome and I get those comments a lot. The point that I want to make is this: you can tell if someone is actually complimenting you. You can tell if someone is genuinely happy for you. Maybe it wasn’t taken as a compliment because it wasn’t meant as such. I’m sure she doesn’t stop every person who says a kind word about her husband.

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  7. Your Ideas Are On point. Women do settle for men who don’t treat them right because they are scared of being lonely, old maids who won’t have children. Our image and ideas of womanhood have been planted in our minds since we were young, and many of us haven’t defined for ourselves what we are. So, because we’re supposed to have boyfriends and get married and have kids, our mothers and friends tell us that we have to compromise and settle, cater to our man, etc. And we do. We get the marriage and kids, but that’s about where it ends for most people. Unless women are fine with being single, then they will settle.

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  8. wow thanks for sharing your
    amazing story

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  9. I love this. Life is all about choices. Some we are proud of, others we regret and some will haunt us forever. When the time comes, I will take full responsibility for my choice of husband, I wish so many others would do the same.

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  10. agreed. But ohmygosh, you guys are adorable!

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  11. Excellent article…supreme insight. Will definitely share.

    Be well.

    Cheers.

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  12. Girl you preached without a mic(oh and with out the few curse words lol) this time!!!

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  13. I could have written this article myself! You’re so right. It is a choice. I got so much grief for having high standards, and was told so many times that what I was looking for was unrealistic, but now I have an amazing God fearing man, who puts me above himself, and I’m “lucky”. No chile, God sent me this man that I prayed for a waited for patiently. The Lord knows I could’ve settled, but that’s not what I wanted. I would have chosen singleness over settling. Thank you for sharing!

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  14. Round of applause! I’m so glad that you wrote this, I can relate 100%. When I say this, not many people get it.

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  15. you really put it the way its supposed to be,we create everything around us be it good or bad it was your choice soo deal with it and stop the blame game,woow thanks for sharing lady.simply amizing.i can totally relate.

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  16. Thank you for writing this article! I’m married to a Marine. We move every three years! We get to know new people all the time. I have had to stop talking about my husband. The reason is I do NOT speak bad about my husband & he doesn’t speak bad about me. So anytime I speak about him others are jealous. I have had husband’s ask me to stop filling their wives heads with unrealistic dreams. It makes me sad because he deserves to be bragged about. He is a great husband & father. You are completely right about the choices we make and continue to make throughput our marriage.

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  17. Reblogged this on Busy mind and commented:
    Awesome read!

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  18. This was an incredible piece. We as women have to take responsibility for our choices and how we allow men or anyone for that matter treat us. You have to as yourself “How do I value myself ?” and alot of us women tend to unhappily settle forgetting you are a Queen. ThanKS for sharing ♡

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  19. I agree 100%. No need to apologize for any of your statements. Only women who can’t accept the truth will disagree… This post got me thinking deep and i don’t even have a man but. You’re right! Thank you!!

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  20. True true, hard and painfull as it is makes their choice, only I dont agree that wen someone say your lucky its in bad taste. They most likely admire and wish they had your happy ending, your happily ever after. Most of them have had the men in their lives change from wat they used to know, to something even they cant relate to, but like you said that was their choice good or bad. So they stick to it and hope, dream and wish for their happy ever after. I can guaratee you they are putting it to you as a complement.

    nice piece you have there kudos.

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  21. Thanks for a great article. Yes, we women have to be honest and look at what we accept from our men . We are nit perfect, and shouldn’t look for it either, but we should trust our instincts and follow our hearts. You know when you settle!!! Lets nit do that ladies. We deserve better

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  22. I loved this and it totally resonates with me. People have to make choices or the will settle for everything. My husband is a great man, father and husband. But like most adults he had to grow up and become those things. Like myself he evolves everyday to be a better person. Every woman should read this not so that they can envy you, but to just understand that you have to have standards and non-negotiables. To know that everything that glitters isn’t gold, and the person that you are turning down because of his no swag is probably the person that God placed in your life just for you. This was a great piece, thank you!!

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  23. I really appreciate this article because my husband is so great. I don’t brag about him but people notice and comment. We’re still newlyweds so every always says that he’s only this great because this is still the beginning and we don’t have a child yet. Even if that’s true, then let me enjoy it and leave me alone. On the contrary, when it comes to raising a child, he plans on being a very hands on Dad so I’m sure we’ll share the responsibility 50/50 and I’m not worried. My husband does everything I need him to do and more and I love him to the moon and back.

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  24. hi – I’d love to run your piece on our site if you’re open to it. Would have your byline and links back. Let me know if you’re interested.

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    1. Definitely interested. Let me know what you need

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  25. yassss!!! this post gave me life today!!!

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  26. Teresia Ndirangu October 10, 2015 — 6:12 pm

    Good article, need your advice though

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  27. Don’t get “sick and tired” of it though. Express gratitude and in your heart wish them the best.

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  28. What if your husband turns out to be a liar or not the person he presented himself to be! What then, do we chalk it up to choices? Not every situation is as cut and dry as this article makes it seem. And if you value your word and hold on to your marriage as is, it’s OK to lift up a sista with a husband that is real and loving and God fearing. So, next time someone makes that comment, have some compassion. Marriage is a journey that will take unexpected turns and twists.

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    1. Yeah…in her world men must tell the unadulterated truth because her does. I understand selective choosing and patience, but I know women who have been both only to be blindsided and blatantly deceived (narcissism does exist). She’s being insensitive because she has is it better. I mean really responding with…Thank you God has been good to me…would show better appreciation for her “good man” than this blah, blah, blah article. Makes me wonder if she knows/appreciates how truly blessed she has it.

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  29. I love this article, and agree, I’m not married have an amazing boyfriend, he was not the normal type of guy I would go for, but I had to make those choices to say what I think I want or someone who treats me right. And I am so crazy about him now, we the best of friends. I’m happy. If more women chose good man, there would be less bad guys..

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  30. styleevolutionza October 14, 2015 — 4:36 am

    Reblogged this on styleevolutionza.

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  31. You don’t choose anyone. God blesses us. It’s that simple

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    1. Not period. The Lord blesses us, but the Lord also gives us free will to acknowledge and accept the blessing or not.

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  32. Choice is definitely a nice ‘cliche’ word, feel good word, when things are going well. It’s a good word to use when someone does something that causes them or someone else harm, i.e., he/she choose to drink therefore he/she is an alcoholic). We all have to live with the decisions we choose to make. No one consciously chooses to be in an awful relationship and if you find yourself in one you can choose to leave (separate/run/divorce). Your ability to have found the right one is more grace than choice. As you stated everything that glitters isn’t gold and by the same token mediocre and bland may yield the same results. Settling is a play on words, one can honestly believe that they have found the person that meets their ‘standards’ and as time goes by find out differently (he may still open doors and she may still cook daily). Love is about growth and commitment (as long as you are not being abused or in an abusive situation i.e., drugs, alcohol, adultery, etc.) and even then things may turn out well. It’s all about choice, you are absolutely right, I loved your article and it was definitely a feel good article, however, it is not realistic. Every woman wants a good man and every man wants to choose a good man. Life is a bout choices, God gives us free will, but his word also tells us that we do not deserve all that is good even if we make a great choice based on high, righteous and sound standard in this case. Grace is what you have received, a mere man is not smart enough to create good….God provides the grace and we reap the benefits of his grace. I’m excited for anyone that is in a relationship that is everything they ever dreamed, not just in a relationship, but spiritually, emotionally and financially. You are supposed to give God his due and recognize his goodness to you, we don’t do a thing, but reap the benefits of grace.

    Peace

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  33. Thank you for the post. I think that you are right when you say that as women we are responsible for the man we get married to, however I also believe that it is by God’s grace that you meet and marry a great husband. You need to be humble and full of gratitide because God does not give us gifts because we deserve but because he his merciful.

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  34. Well said! I’m in the same boat. I learned what worked and didn’t work for me and got very picky… Not lucky!

    Also would like to add there are some people who change after being in a relationship for “x” amount of time and there are a million different causes for that. But the principle is the same: if he BECOMES a dealbreaker then you have to walk or stop whining!

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  35. Excellent write-up, I share your sentiments entirely. Blessings to you and yours.

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  36. Reblogged this on and commented:
    This is so true. We just forget sometimes – like the power within us – we’re scared and we forget. We always have choices regardless of what they are. Nice read, nice reminder!

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