You Chose Your Man.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I have a good man. Every time he smiles at me or serves me. Every time he opens my door or calls me sweetie the world around me erupts in cheer and accolades as if I’ve just won the golden ticket to the chocolate factory.

People are sure to remind me that I’m blessed and lucky to have such a good husband. He loves me, is easy-going, and respects me blah blah blah. Which is true. He’s amazing. But one thing that I just keep thinking is that every woman has the opportunity to have that. And please wait before you jump on me and slap the “there are no good men left” stigma in my face. I meet women that complain about their men or compare theirs to mine and it’s increasingly frustrating. If anyone knows my story, they know that I am one of the LEAST deserving of a good man yet I have one. Because I chose to have one. You can’t choose to settle for what’s in front of you simply because you really want to be wedded and then get upset that you don’t have a “good” man. My mom brags on my husband all the time, which I’m grateful for. But just like any other human, he has his flaws. Flaws that irritate the hell out of me sometimes. And I’m ok with those flaws. I can live with them. He doesn’t disrespect me or treat me any less than a queen. He helps with the baby and around the house when I need him to. He’s also insanely nonchalant about planning and leaves it to me to do 90% of the thinking for our household. He could stay inside and watch superhero movies all day and when he cooks, he leaves it all in the kitchen to soak….for days. And while these things drive me crazy, they are things I’m willing to live with because he’s 100% amazing; flaws and all.
You have the ability to choose what your deal breakers are. And if for some reason, you decided that everything is a deal breaker,than you choose to wait until that man comes that will fulfill all of the requirements on your list. On the other hand, if nothing is a deal breaker, than you have chosen to settle with a man who has no accountability or standards to reach. Then there are those of us that are in the middle, patiently waiting for a man who will meet our standards while also being willing to compromise. It’s often easy to waver in that place. It’s easy to decide to settle on the non negotiable’s just so that you won’t be alone anymore. However, choosing to settle is also choosing to accept a life with someone who may or may not leave you feeling miserable in a few months, or years.
One Sunday, X (short for Xavier,who is my husband) and I were preparing to leave for church. I was standing about 20 feet away from where we parked. X got in the car, backed out and backed up to where I was standing. A friend of ours made a comment about him being ahead of his time because had it been him, he would have just waited for me to walk to the car. In that moment I was proud to have a man who did a simple thing like drive to pick me up; even if it was just 20 ft. In college, I had the epiphany that one of the reasons why men get the pass to cheat, be lazy, relinquish all responsibilities to women etc, is because we give them the “OK”. We say “well he’s a man, so he’s going to do….” While I was pregnant, a friend told me that my husband wouldn’t wake up with the baby because that was my job. The hell? Did he not make the baby with me? Matter fact, he’s the reason the baby was created. Why would it just be MY responsibility to take care of her?? People say I’m lucky because he helps me. No. I’m not lucky because he helps me. I chose a man that loves me and has a good heart. A man that wants to be involved with his family. A man that wants to be a good father and a good example to his family and children.
Sometimes us women have the habit of choosing men we think we want and then we compare. Or we get upset that our man isn’t doing xyz. You chose him! No matter the circumstance, you made a choice to be with him. Granted, I understand there are cultures where marriages are fixed, and circumstances where you choose to be with a man for various financial and security reasons. But (and this may sound harsh) you made a choice and you can’t blame others for it.
Most us of us have had the ability to choose the hardworking, caring man that has a God fearing love within him. But we don’t choose those guys. Hell, I almost didn’t choose mine. Sometimes they don’t come with the shiny new job. Or the “cool factor”. Sometimes they aren’t the bad boys. Sometimes they are the virgins. The ones we reject because we don’t like their style. The list can go on forever. Either way. We make choices. And those choices determine what life looks like.
So. Stop telling me I’m lucky to have a good man. I’m blessed that he found me and I’m glad that I chose him.
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This Post Has 123 Comments

    1. I definitely agree that we have a choice. Having others admire you can lead therm to aspire for better. Sometimes it is one self esteem that holds them captive makes them feel undeserving and unworthy. When God allows them to see a woman He has guided to a place of knowing they take notice. You are an inspiration. Some women have never seen an example of a good man. So they would taken a back. Continue to be a walking billboard of encouragement. Whether you know it or not, that’s what you are.

  6. Very true statement many men may walk your way but you choose who you decide to commit or start a relationship with. Very well said! Point noted

  8. I loved every bit of this article. I just had a woman tell me that I’m lucky that my husband come straight home from work every night, and I corrected her immediately. I chose a man that had the same standards that I give out and expect back In returned

    1. Question for you Devon. Why didn’t you receive the statement as a compliment towards your man?

      1. I love this aryicle though I don’t get the “strong” response to someone saying you are lucky or blessed. I see that as a compliment (to your spouse and to your union) and one’s ability to recognize a good thing, a good trait, a desired thing, a desired trait, etc. Sometimes people don’t choose the best words/descriptors to express what they mean but they mean well nonetheless.

  11. THANK YOU for speaking what I have wanted to say but for putting it so much more eloquently & politically correct!!!

  12. I love when I go on a girls night out and the girls say, “Oh, you got Larry to babysit the kids?” What?? They’re his kids, too! He’s not babysitting! He’s being a father! Standards people! We all have them…don’t put them aside because your potential life partner has 5 of the 10 things you’re looking for. Never settle. Life is too short…especially, if you plan on having children with this person. Ifie hit the nail right on the head.

  21. PREACH!! People ask me all the time about the “secret” to a healthy marriage. I always say start with acknowledging who your mate is as an individual before you get married and proceed accordingly. Don’t ignore those red flags, things you don’t like and mediocre behavior. You knew before you got married that he didn’t wash your car. Don’t complain now lol.

  22. I read this article and I am one is those women who refuse to settle for less. This article confirms that I’m doing the right thing in waiting for the right mate. Too many women settle for whatever is in front of them instead of wanting more than what is in front of them. The key word is CHOOSE. We have a choice in what we want in a man, and after the numerous zeroes I’ve encountered in my life, I refuse to settle for less than zero. Thank you for writing this article!

  23. I love you for this! I am single with no kids because I chose to wait for God’s versus settling and becoming a “married single woman” (she has the ring, and marriage license, but that’s about it…she still feels single). Thanks for sharing!

    1. My husband does all this and more. And I appreciate him and God blessing me with a husband as awesome as he is. I also get people telling me how lucky I am and how they wish they had a husband like mines. I also almost let my husband get away playing hard to get. I tell them well you can’t have mines but there are plenty more men out there that’s just as amazing. Pray to God for a blessing husband and be patient.

  27. One of the best pieces of advice my mom ever game me was when I started dating. She said to remember that a man will only do what you let him get away with. She was totally right, and I lived by the flip side of that coin, that I would adhere to my deal breakers as a matter of self-respect. Fourteen years into my relationship, 10 of those years married, I continue enjoying life with a man who treats me every bit a partner, a loved equal.

  28. Im 17 and a senior in high school. People look at me stupid because we understand stuff like this. I’ve personally understood my worth for a very long time. So when the “it guys” attempt to catch my attention and all they have are good looks. I continue to walk.

  30. Preach!! I chose the right one and I get those comments all the time.
    I had friend zoned him for 6 years and it just clicked that he was the only man(other than my dad) who was a constant. And he would do anything for me even just as a friend. Thats love.

  31. Great read! Wouldn’t have put it better. There are actually good men out there but at times might not be packaged how we envision and we end up missing out. I completely agree, a man treats you according to the standards you set for him from the beginning

  32. How awesome that you’re so wise in choice that you don’t even have to count blessings or be grateful … but can judge others for wishing you well. May no ‘luck’ ever befall your situation.

    1. I think she’s very grateful. And she knows she’s blessed. But that came about because she was wise enough to choose correctly. She is saying that others who are amazed that she has an outstanding man have that choice as well. I get where she’s coming from, as I listen to my husband pull my car back into the garage because he just took the recycling bin out. You wouldn’t believe all the busters I had to go through to get to this one.

  34. To commenter D above me^, your sarcasm might be on point if she said these people were actually “wishing her well”, it sounds more like they are regretting their own choices or totally disregarding her part in finding and making the decision to be with the good guy, instead their comments make it sound like as though a good guy just fell into her lap and life effortlessly, and she had no say in it, which is untrue, it’s the opposite.

  38. Yes, about the “luck” comment. It isn’t luck, a good relationship is hard work, but if you don’t have someone willing to do their part it isn’t going to work out. Luck has nothing to do with it, there are billions of people in this world, you don’t meet them because of luck. You have to realize what you will deal with and what you will not and chose a partner accordingly. It was also stated, you have to let a lot of stuff go, take the good with the bad. If the bad out ways the good, there is no point, you just have to know what your own limits are to be happy. Having respect from your boyfriend/husband shouldn’t be negotiable. Everyone has flaws and things we could be better at, but wanting to be your best person for your spouse and family and yourself are signs to look for. Happiness isn’t luck, relationships aren’t luck, not wasting your time on a losers, when you see the signs, is not luck. If you spend your time in unhealthy relationships that don’t have the potential to meet your long term relationship needs, is just wasting the time when you could be “lucky” enough to find a better man.

  39. I love this. Every word is so true. Giving people a free pass to be mediocre is not right, at all!
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  41. Even though it’s very commendable that your husband is very loving and respectful of you. Why not celebrate when others recognizes how he treats you. Unfortunately, there is a shortage in good men out here in this world; especially black men. We often at times seem to celebrate the negatives ,yet when someone recognizes greatest the first person to downplay it is the individual who gets to experience the greatness everyday. However, those women who see it would love to only have 25% of what he gives to you. Not saying you don’t give it in return, thus when a man is on his job and handling his business he wouldn’t mind his Queen being his biggest cheer leader, cause the minute you get too comfortable with your position and you feel he ain’t all that because of the few minor flaws you mentioned, that same women who is telling you he’s great will be the same woman telling him to leave you. She will celebrate him, ignore his faults and be happy that he’s home and not chasing the next chic. We all have to sometimes [ including men] be thankful for what we have in our lives cause just as many woman celeberities and non celeberities have found out, someone else is always watching your relationship awaiting the opportunity to step in and snatch your happiness away that you claim ain’t all that. just from a mans perspective.

    1. Jay, you missed the point and misrepresented what she stated. She continually stated her husband was good to her and awesome, but not perfect, yet just like she’s not perfect they both agreed to except EACH OTHERS FLAWS, so it’s not her fault these women decide to stay with a man and not except their flaws or even reject being with a man who flaws they couldn’t except and then make it seem like it’s “luck” that she has chose to love and except the man she’s with, flaws and all.
      Again, I think you missed the WHOLE point, but not intentionally.

  43. Interesting topic but sometimes women are hoodwinked into believing the guy is a good guy as he portrays to be so well and than after she is pregnant the real him comes out. Sometimes it’s not by a choice…we do have men that are relationship whores…suck a women dry until he is caught and moves on to the next women. They can imitate what a man should be so well until they either get bored get caught and cornered and if women don’t catch the clues it’s done.

    1. Mmmmm, I guess their is some truth to that, but that she only happen once in a grown woman’s life time. It’s doesn’t take you 2 to 22 times to see the signs. After the first unexpected mishap, takes notes and no the signs for the next time you encounter a bum.

  44. I have an issue with this article although I get what message you’re conveying.
    As a single woman without children, with high standards and high hopes of meeting the right man someday I can’t tell you how refreshing and hopeful it makes me when I see husbands treating their women as they should. With respect, love, honor, and care. There is a shortage of committed, compatible, single men so seeing it makes my heart smile. Not sure who usually compliments your husband, but your response of not wanting people to acknowledge that your husband is a good man makes you sound a little selfish…as if you want people to recognize your part in allowing him to be your husband rather than just taking the compliment as it is. A compliment. Why do you feel the need to make it about yourself instead of thanking the person who complimented your man? Of course women should have standards and should stick to them, but you have a great husband and other people notice, acknowledge and even appreciate it…he may receive similar compliments about you as well. The tone in this article was interesting.

    2. Most the time it’s not a compliment, it’s just being envious.

      By the way, men don’t go around complimenting their boy’s wives. If they wish their boys wife or girlfriend was theirs, they tend to keep it to themselves. Unlike women. It’s definitely mostly a single woman or a married woman regretting her choice thang.

      1. That’s not true at all. I’ve been in the church my entire life and I’ve heard men compliment their friends’ wives on things that women don’t usually do anymore (like how they are raising their children, the fact that they cook on a regular basis, and overall respect that they notice in the relationship)- much like what she is addressing in her blog. This has nothing to do with envy or with people secretly wishing their friends’ spouse was their own- but it has everything to do with someone acknowledging the good thing you have. Adults who are secure in themselves and their life choices celebrate other people’s success in healthy, loving relationships. Which is why I said I’m not sure who compliments her man because the case could very well be that people are genuinely happy that she has one of the good ones. Because let’s not forget that there are men who begin relationships/marriages well and sometimes turn violent or unfaithful or lazy or what have you.

        Here’s my point: when people acknowledge the blessing you have, it should make you grateful and it should further help you understand how blessed you are to have what other people are able to notice and appreciate and even desire. That’s all!

    3. Yes, yes, yes! I totally agree with this comment. Well stated and I couldn’t agree more about the tone.

  45. I’m so happy you both are happy! You and X deserves the best! Yes, you have a good husband & father for your child. You generally have a GREAT person. I say this because X is sincere in probably everything that he does. You can find great fathers that are not so good at being a husband and vice versa. You have the whole package (flaws & all) & I think thats what people see. He goes above and beyond & that is rare. My Man and I get that all the time but four years ago we didn’t. He was still a good man, but now he’s a better one and the little things he does like stopping at my job to say hello, cooking meals for me, when we are out with friends he constantly ask if I’m okay or need anything & now that we are expecting our first child; he pretty much makes sure I’m comfortable every second of the day. People notice it and it’s the above and beyond part that’s not seen often. YOU are a great woman, so it makes it that much easier for him to be the man he is. Blessings to you both!

  48. very good!!! I was JUST about to blog about something similar as I truly understand how you feel as I get told the same thing! And it is sad that women do not experience this and some may never know what it is to have a good man. But what I do know is we are raising our son to do the same and I just hope that one day he finds a woman that will love him just as much as I love his daddy.

  50. I can see your point.
    Buuuuuuuut…

    I think there’s more to settling than just a black and white choice. Very often the choice isn’t about accepting flaws, but about not trusting that the future holds that proverbial fish in the sea that meets those standards. Over time, any rational human being would begin to question whether their ideals and standards are antiquated or unrealistic if they never encounter them outside of their own fantasies. Add that to the fear of becoming that ever-single aunt/friend/neighborhood cat lady and you’ve got a recipe for finding the best in someone to be enough.

    Also, if the offense (used lightly), is being called “lucky”, I’d say you’ve got it all wrong. People say that to me and my fiancé about each other all the time. Aside from my internal cringe about God’s providence being called “luck”, I agree with them! Living in this huge city, it’s nothing but “luck” [insert cringe] that caused me to find her when I did. She’s 100% perfect for me and there were some 60 and 70%’s in my past. I almost settled too. When someone says I’m lucky, I see the compliment as a praise to God as opposed to a decision for resignation.

    This was a long comment. Hopefully it all made sense!

    1. True to the first statement, but for the second statement……. Yes it’s luck (I too cringe) that you encountered a potential mate when you first met her, but it’s not luck that you choice to except that woman as the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, that is a choice…………………hopefully you get what I’m trying to say as well.

  53. Great post! You may choose your man, yes, your point is home, but you sure as hell make your man as well. If you aren’t there to support him he sure as hell isn’t your man.

  54. Quite true it has me reanalysing myself to know exactly what I want and what I need

  55. Nice article.its good to be wise on how we choose our men but can we also say that we also need God’s help in making the right decision because you might think you’ve made the right choice but turn out to be something else later on.

  56. I had to reblog this . This is one of those articles you read and it gives you the life reality in a good straight forward way .
    Nice one girl

  58. I love this and can definitely relate. My husband is awesome and I get those comments a lot. The point that I want to make is this: you can tell if someone is actually complimenting you. You can tell if someone is genuinely happy for you. Maybe it wasn’t taken as a compliment because it wasn’t meant as such. I’m sure she doesn’t stop every person who says a kind word about her husband.

  59. Your Ideas Are On point. Women do settle for men who don’t treat them right because they are scared of being lonely, old maids who won’t have children. Our image and ideas of womanhood have been planted in our minds since we were young, and many of us haven’t defined for ourselves what we are. So, because we’re supposed to have boyfriends and get married and have kids, our mothers and friends tell us that we have to compromise and settle, cater to our man, etc. And we do. We get the marriage and kids, but that’s about where it ends for most people. Unless women are fine with being single, then they will settle.

  62. I love this. Life is all about choices. Some we are proud of, others we regret and some will haunt us forever. When the time comes, I will take full responsibility for my choice of husband, I wish so many others would do the same.

  66. I could have written this article myself! You’re so right. It is a choice. I got so much grief for having high standards, and was told so many times that what I was looking for was unrealistic, but now I have an amazing God fearing man, who puts me above himself, and I’m “lucky”. No chile, God sent me this man that I prayed for a waited for patiently. The Lord knows I could’ve settled, but that’s not what I wanted. I would have chosen singleness over settling. Thank you for sharing!

  67. Round of applause! I’m so glad that you wrote this, I can relate 100%. When I say this, not many people get it.

  68. you really put it the way its supposed to be,we create everything around us be it good or bad it was your choice soo deal with it and stop the blame game,woow thanks for sharing lady.simply amizing.i can totally relate.

  69. Thank you for writing this article! I’m married to a Marine. We move every three years! We get to know new people all the time. I have had to stop talking about my husband. The reason is I do NOT speak bad about my husband & he doesn’t speak bad about me. So anytime I speak about him others are jealous. I have had husband’s ask me to stop filling their wives heads with unrealistic dreams. It makes me sad because he deserves to be bragged about. He is a great husband & father. You are completely right about the choices we make and continue to make throughput our marriage.

  71. This was an incredible piece. We as women have to take responsibility for our choices and how we allow men or anyone for that matter treat us. You have to as yourself “How do I value myself ?” and alot of us women tend to unhappily settle forgetting you are a Queen. ThanKS for sharing ♡

  72. I agree 100%. No need to apologize for any of your statements. Only women who can’t accept the truth will disagree… This post got me thinking deep and i don’t even have a man but. You’re right! Thank you!!

  73. True true, hard and painfull as it is makes their choice, only I dont agree that wen someone say your lucky its in bad taste. They most likely admire and wish they had your happy ending, your happily ever after. Most of them have had the men in their lives change from wat they used to know, to something even they cant relate to, but like you said that was their choice good or bad. So they stick to it and hope, dream and wish for their happy ever after. I can guaratee you they are putting it to you as a complement.

    nice piece you have there kudos.

  74. Thanks for a great article. Yes, we women have to be honest and look at what we accept from our men . We are nit perfect, and shouldn’t look for it either, but we should trust our instincts and follow our hearts. You know when you settle!!! Lets nit do that ladies. We deserve better

  75. I loved this and it totally resonates with me. People have to make choices or the will settle for everything. My husband is a great man, father and husband. But like most adults he had to grow up and become those things. Like myself he evolves everyday to be a better person. Every woman should read this not so that they can envy you, but to just understand that you have to have standards and non-negotiables. To know that everything that glitters isn’t gold, and the person that you are turning down because of his no swag is probably the person that God placed in your life just for you. This was a great piece, thank you!!

  76. I really appreciate this article because my husband is so great. I don’t brag about him but people notice and comment. We’re still newlyweds so every always says that he’s only this great because this is still the beginning and we don’t have a child yet. Even if that’s true, then let me enjoy it and leave me alone. On the contrary, when it comes to raising a child, he plans on being a very hands on Dad so I’m sure we’ll share the responsibility 50/50 and I’m not worried. My husband does everything I need him to do and more and I love him to the moon and back.

  83. What if your husband turns out to be a liar or not the person he presented himself to be! What then, do we chalk it up to choices? Not every situation is as cut and dry as this article makes it seem. And if you value your word and hold on to your marriage as is, it’s OK to lift up a sista with a husband that is real and loving and God fearing. So, next time someone makes that comment, have some compassion. Marriage is a journey that will take unexpected turns and twists.

    1. Yeah…in her world men must tell the unadulterated truth because her does. I understand selective choosing and patience, but I know women who have been both only to be blindsided and blatantly deceived (narcissism does exist). She’s being insensitive because she has is it better. I mean really responding with…Thank you God has been good to me…would show better appreciation for her “good man” than this blah, blah, blah article. Makes me wonder if she knows/appreciates how truly blessed she has it.

  84. I love this article, and agree, I’m not married have an amazing boyfriend, he was not the normal type of guy I would go for, but I had to make those choices to say what I think I want or someone who treats me right. And I am so crazy about him now, we the best of friends. I’m happy. If more women chose good man, there would be less bad guys..

    1. Not period. The Lord blesses us, but the Lord also gives us free will to acknowledge and accept the blessing or not.

  87. Choice is definitely a nice ‘cliche’ word, feel good word, when things are going well. It’s a good word to use when someone does something that causes them or someone else harm, i.e., he/she choose to drink therefore he/she is an alcoholic). We all have to live with the decisions we choose to make. No one consciously chooses to be in an awful relationship and if you find yourself in one you can choose to leave (separate/run/divorce). Your ability to have found the right one is more grace than choice. As you stated everything that glitters isn’t gold and by the same token mediocre and bland may yield the same results. Settling is a play on words, one can honestly believe that they have found the person that meets their ‘standards’ and as time goes by find out differently (he may still open doors and she may still cook daily). Love is about growth and commitment (as long as you are not being abused or in an abusive situation i.e., drugs, alcohol, adultery, etc.) and even then things may turn out well. It’s all about choice, you are absolutely right, I loved your article and it was definitely a feel good article, however, it is not realistic. Every woman wants a good man and every man wants to choose a good man. Life is a bout choices, God gives us free will, but his word also tells us that we do not deserve all that is good even if we make a great choice based on high, righteous and sound standard in this case. Grace is what you have received, a mere man is not smart enough to create good….God provides the grace and we reap the benefits of his grace. I’m excited for anyone that is in a relationship that is everything they ever dreamed, not just in a relationship, but spiritually, emotionally and financially. You are supposed to give God his due and recognize his goodness to you, we don’t do a thing, but reap the benefits of grace.

    Peace

  88. Thank you for the post. I think that you are right when you say that as women we are responsible for the man we get married to, however I also believe that it is by God’s grace that you meet and marry a great husband. You need to be humble and full of gratitide because God does not give us gifts because we deserve but because he his merciful.

  89. Well said! I’m in the same boat. I learned what worked and didn’t work for me and got very picky… Not lucky!

    Also would like to add there are some people who change after being in a relationship for “x” amount of time and there are a million different causes for that. But the principle is the same: if he BECOMES a dealbreaker then you have to walk or stop whining!

  92. Reblogged this on and commented:
    This is so true. We just forget sometimes – like the power within us – we’re scared and we forget. We always have choices regardless of what they are. Nice read, nice reminder!

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