What You Runnin’ From?

We peaked around the corner of the small trees, afraid of what we may find coming towards us. I didn’t recognize the little girl with me but she felt familiar. She had pale white skin and short blonde hair, I think. We stayed hidden in the trees quietly breathing for just a few seconds before a group of white men and boys stormed past us with tools in hand and anger in their eyes. We felt a fear in our hearts and looked at each other before slowly disappearing into the trees.

The next moment, I was standing outside of a house in a very suburban neighborhood. There was a commotion and a police officer appeared. He was yelling but I couldn’t make out any of his words. I felt that familiar fear in my heart and began walking along the neatly paved sidewalk, making my way farther and farther away from the commotion.

In the next scene, I was in a building. Everything from the floor to the walls and desks were laced in wood and I was sitting in one of the desks facing the window. Just as I got up to walk into another room, I saw someone looking for me. I darted towards an overturned desk and hid behind it. As the person got closer and closer to me, I felt that familiar fear again and I closed my eyes tightly hoping it would all just go away.

I woke up slowly and opened my eyes. Realizing my dream was over, I began to go over it in my head and then again aloud before finally saying, “I think I’m running from something.”

Life is always easier when someone else is telling you what to do; it’s  when you have to find your own way that life gets complicated.

For the last 9 months, I’ve been in graduate school at SCAD constantly being pushed and stretched beyond my capacity. I’ve been learning new things, meeting new people, and working on projects I’ve never seen before. I’m in my last quarter, taking two final classes and then I’m being thrust out into the real world to figure this shit out on my own.

I’m learning how to follow the voice and find the next steps. I’m learning how to hear the no’s and recognize the distractions before I’m knee deep in them. But its still scary and I find myself running. Running from whats next because I know it doesn’t get easier. It gets a little bit harder each time.

Elevation and forward movement are my two favorite loves right now but falling for them is giving me one hell of a ride. Some days, I still feel lost; and other days, I’m really, really, sure. But today, I’m neither. Today, I’m scared. But I’m facing my fear. I’m allowing myself to recognize it and call it out. I’m allowing myself the freedom to say it out loud so I can conquer the fear. Because once I’ve said it, once I’ve recognized it, I’m responsible for whats next. I’m either going to live in it or I’m going to fly.

Are you running or hiding from anything?

“Come out from the shadows and soar towards the unknown”

ifie.